Ahem.

Hello.

I’m nikki.

…and i’ve lost my motivation. ..

it could be for a myriad of reasons but whatever it is, the me that was able to hop on stage at a minutes notice in college cannot even recite a poem today. it’s true, you know? …..

…i used to be B*R*I*L*L*I*A*N*T…

…and now…i’m boring. i sound like a downer and that’s not what this is about. THIS is about me living. i’m the type of person that gets inspired by some….let’s call the “random” things. like now, i’m very inspired by a message from Glee. Rachel wanted to write a good song, and she figured out that she had to live in order to write. i’ll get back to that later…

see, when i was young i was a dreamer through and through. my parents encouraged me to believe i could do anything, be anything. and i did everything. i took dance, and got solos, won competitions. ..after two years, i quit. drama,  won some first places and landed some school roles, even dabbled again in college, quit. tennis? i played so well my instructor offered to teach me for free as long as i would compete. i ran. and now, after all these years, i realize, i’m afraid of the success. scared of the spotlight. i’ve always been a nervous wreck, and quite frankly every time i was on stage- dancing, acting, reciting poetry- i was scared shitless. i didn’t want to have to do anything well, afraid that theyd expect if from me over and over again. i wouldn’t always be the best player, sometime i’d have to compete in the big leagues, what then?  what would people make of me when i didn’t continue to succeed? So I kept it moving.  Always stuck to something only  long enough to prove i was good at it. but writing was the one thing i thought i’d do forever. as it turns out,  I didn’t. i stopped writing just like i stopped everything else. NO. not like everything else. i didn’t quit writing. writing, my writing,my voice, quit me. and i’ve got to get her back. to do so, i’ve got to be my own muse. i have read Chopin, Morrison, and Tan. Chaucer and Marquez and Hughes and they’ve gotten me this far. now,  i’ve got to inspire myself. and here i stand, the last muse, Nikki. …i like to think i’d be the 10th…

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3 thoughts on “

  1. I think we all run from success, being mediocre is always so easy, so safe, so calming. But our dreams are something different, dreams are to be chased, lived, and experienced. Your dreams always been in writing, and im sure that when the time is right, your muse and your motivation will collide once again and they will work you in the direction you wish to go. Your writing will never quit you, its your passion, its your dream. Its on hiatus, trying to find new ways to spark the match that will set your words on fire again.

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