I’ve been away from a working computer with internet for a few days (weeks?) and i’ve got ALOTTOSAY! first up?


I am beginning to feel more and more distant from the family i knew and loved this time 5 years ago. but this time 5 years ago I was only beginning to grow up. wait. let me start at the beginning.

I will remind you that I am a mixed-race person. My mother is Korean and my father is African-America. Right after I was born, my mother and her sister lost contact, and this separated my mother from her siblings – the only family she had. There were three boys and a aister from her parents. She also had three little sisters from my grandfather and his Australian wife produced, prior to his death a year before I was born. All of them were lost to her by accident for the first twenty-odd years of my life.

 Therefore, the only family I knew was my fathers. He was one of four, my grandmother was one of…maybe six? Needless to say we have alot of family. But I’ve always felt distant from them. It started with being picked on by my cousins for 1. being mixed, 2. being sheltered, 3. speaking and dressing like “a white girl”. It continued with obvious divides – differences that started long before I was even though of that ruptured a family i used to know into two, three, four different groups. It furthered with the revalation of information I received about some of my family members’ treatment of my mother. Things they have said to and about her have hurt me beyond words. Among those things:  attacks on my mothers race. Because my father is professional and successful they were mortified when he brought home a woman who wasn’t black. Did he have to go and fulfill that stereotype? they wondered. Certain members have called my mother out of her name, and have belittled her efforts to keep this house together. These people, once quite revered by me, will more than likely never deal with me again. If they were so disgusted by my mother, I will do them the courtesey of keeping her daughter from their eyes. 

I have also witnessed uncharacteristic behaviour in loved ones. Alhough, the behavior is not as out-of-character as I once thought.  Like I said before, I was a child and I looked at the world, my family especially, with all the innocence and love one can muster. But now that I’ve seen demented, cruel ways, I realize that I’ve only been disillusioned. That funny Uncle Buck character of an uncle morphed into a greedy, selfish, and hypocritical jerk. That beloved Aunt who was like the black Auntie Claus became that pompus, elitest witch.

But it’s not just me and those few people I have grown to, well, dislike. I still love my family, quite thoroughly. There are many MANY people I admire and wish I could spend more time with. But  I’ve seen arguments between my family members over trivial things escalate into years of not speaking. We used to always know what was going on with each other. I’ve seen our Christmas go from always, ALWAYS, being celebrated at the same house, to all of us just kind of doing our own thing in six or seven different houses. It’s like all of those years of unity never even happened.

Maybe they didn’t.

Is this true with every family? Have I just grown up and realized what we all do when we drop that vail of innocence and see the world for what it is?

 Or were those evils that were nested early on just finally manifesting themselves into my family’s actions?

It hurts to miss them this much, and it hurts to NOT miss them, too. Do you understand?


One thought on “alottosay

  1. I totally understand what you are say cuz and you’re right. As a child everything seemed to be peaches and cream, but as an adult, everything seems to come to light. The day that your dad came home with your mom as his wife, I fell in love with her like she was already part of the family and the day that you was born, you was and is a blessed addition to this family. I’ve come to learn that what’s done in the past, is the past and what people do in the present is out of our control. I’ve faced alot of issues to with the family as well being that I am really not blood related.( Your Uncle J is my step-dad). All that we can do is do us, pray for them and keep it moving. I love you and Anna with all of my heart and always will. Don’t you ever forget that.

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