I was raised with a number of concepts from different religions, and one that was driven into me was the idea of impermanence. A concept that began in Hinduism, it was later altered by Buddhists. The teachings of the Buddha says that there is an undeniable truth in life, that “what was apparent and verifiable about our existence was the continuous change it undergoes“. Basically, that nothing lasts as it is forever.
This was something I hated as a child. Actually, I am still made uneasy by the idea. Why can’t things last?
In the past few months I have lost one of my best friends, my job, my fiance and my mind. This time last year I had a bright future as a teacher and was happily perusing bridal magazines. Now, I’m frantically trying to find employment and for days, every time Say Yes to the Dress, or Four Weddings came on, I cried like a baby. Every. Single. Time.
Truth be told, I knew I didn’t want to be a teacher forever. I knew my fiance and I were having a harder and harder time trying to get along. But I counted on both the job and the man being there thirty years from now. So much so that I feel like I’m falling through a black hole when I think that I have no idea what life is going to be like for me thirty years from now.
I know you life live-ers are looking at me like i’m insane. THINGS CHANGE. Still, don’t you get sad to see things go? even a little bit?
ON THE FLIP SIDE
there is a part of me, growing bigger and bigger by the day, that is, admittedly, excited. and i can’t believe it’s me that smiles at the possibilities ahead. i have no children, no job, no responsibilities keeping me ANYWHERE. i can hop a plane to calcutta tonight if i wanted. (and if i had the money) i could become a yoga instructor, or a photographer. i could end up becoming an apprentice to a wise man in Bali. whatever it is, i know i’d do well.
it’s a beautiul thing, a new beginning. it’s not quite a tabla rassa, but close enough. i get to really analyze my wants and desires and talents before i make another move. it’ll all be for me…and the idea of catering to myself without worrying that it’ll ruin things is ORGASMIC.
i’m young and i’ve got balls (not literally) enough to take this opportunity to LIVE. i was deeply devoted to him, and that ability will do me wondersin the future, with some gallant young man. i may or may not return to the classroom and i may call her up for a drink one day, someday. but even though i believed they – the job, the friend, the fiance- belonged to me, they didn’t.
and i can’t hold on to what is not mine. the only thing i can do now is to move forward on my path and make the most of myself.
as it is, i was also raised with the christian ideal – when God closes a door, he opens a window. here’s hoping in this case, he’ll knock down a wall.