ok, after a long internet discussion with my fellow black and asian ladies, and some texts and calls, we all came to the conclusion (no i could not have done it on my own, not entirely) that i need to focus on me. put MYSELF first after such a grueling relationship followed by an even more horrific breakup.
nearly two months after our official split, i am still downright heartbroken. but it’s not just that. i’m still obsessing over what he’s doing, whether or not he’s moved on, and if he has, if she’s better than me. i’ve never really been a person with a lot of confidence, so my would-have-been-husband flirting with, having pictures of and bragging to his friends about this uber petite-southeast asian- teen-bombshell even BEFORE we split, made me question my own beauty.
like i said, i’ve never been the person with immense confidence, at least not in my physical appearance. and i realized, even before she came along ,that i wanted to be a better me, physically. during the last two years of my relationship i gave up on keeping myself up. i put on weight, my skin became pasty with all the soda and fatty foods, and with stress, and depression my eyes were so puffed up and sickly they looked swollen.
when i looked in the mirror and compared me to her, i was upset. but worse, i could see why he chose her.
this was so very wrong.
so very, VERY wrong.
this morning i woke up and looked at myself and realized that i may not be his ideal, i may not be the ideal of most men, but i’m too good to dwell over not being good enough for someone who wasn’t good enough for me.
my friends, and i mean that with the truest meaning of the word, reminded me, and are in some ways coercing me to put myself first. something i had never done before. when i was with my ex, i did and did for him. went without eating so he could have bus money. had my grade marked down in classes for absences i took to help him find a job. and giving so much to him, i became obsessed with him, his well-being, but also his need for me.
but I NEED ME.
more than anyone else.
i don’t need his approval, or to make her feel like she could never measure up. that shouldn’t even exist in my world. there should only be belief in myself, confidence in every aspect of me. so even though it will take a while and a lot of adjustment and painful reflection, i’m done. i’m done worrying about him, his happiness and his welfare because he damn sure wasn’t worried about mine.