pride and stuff.

i haven’t written a poem in a few weeks. i actually had a relapse over my ex. it brought me deeper into depression than i was fresh after the breakup. i attempted to get over it through a lot of partying, and the first night it seemed to be working until i realized it was my ex’s birthday.  he’d told me we’d hang and even though i argued saying it would be awkward, he said it’d just be like i was his girlfriend at his party. but this was a while ago. and that night he was there, with her, and i was here, alone.  and sitting there at the party with one of my best friends could not make me forget the finality of the breakup.

and though i knew long ago to leave him, i realized that his agreeing to the breakup hurt my pride. how could he agree to us separating, didn’t he need me? after all i did for him, gave to him, didn’t he realize that losing me would be detrimental to his life? and that’s why i got jealous over his new flings. it hurt my pride more so than my heart. how could i not be good enough? but, i came to grips with the truth that he;ll never think me good enough. because i’m not, not for him anyway. he wanted something completely different, not better, just different. and i realized i didn’t care. the lies, hurt. the betrayal hurt. hell the bruises hurt. but the love, that was extinguished long ago. i was heartbroken that the guy i knew didn’t exist. heartbroken that i wasnt in love. that my fairytale was over. not heartbroken over losing him.

i think like all women who’s men broke their hearts for younger, or older, more voluptuous or thinner women, i felt unworthy. but like my grandfather, like my father, men like him would chase a dog with a skirt on. nothing against the women in their lives, it’s just their personality.

so anyway, i went to another party the next night, determined to have fun. and i did. and lucky me, at a handshake i found someone quite intriguing. but, well, it’s complicated. and won’t ever not be complicated. but again, he reminds me of  what it is i want. actually, truly want: to laugh. and have conversations that go on forever. but really, to laugh.


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